高分~ 帮忙看看【雅思大作文】~~看看大概多少分 批改一下给点建议吧！！谢谢 跪求！

用词多样化我是赞成的，但是堆砌辞藻肯定不算是好文章。词语用准了可以提高文章，用得不准反而会贻笑大方。我觉得用词需要加强，这里需要的是一点一滴的长期努力。有些很细致的用词和表达是需要细微感觉的，你能体会出多少算多少吧。

原文：It is generally believed that the subjects and course contents of students should be decided by official institution such like local governments.

第一句的抄袭痕迹过重，借用了题目第一句的表达结构和用词细节，鉴于第二句和后文所显示的语言能力，我觉得你自己语言再表述的实力没有发挥出来。

个人认为，比如the subjects and course contents显然就是考你curriculum这个词，在首句就进行替换应该有助于提高首句质量。

Generally believed 一般要用在有主流共识的情况。因为后边你说业界的观点并不统一，还达没到generally的程度，这里用widely believed比 generally believed 更合适。

“institution” 要加s

students 主要指中小学阶段，题目用的children,所以建议加个”young”。通常，第一句最好指代更清楚，后文才可以省略简化。

改写:It is widely believed that the curriculum for young students should be decided by education departments.

原文：However, whether teachers should be given authority to make a decision about the curriculum for young students is a challenging issue in education.

感觉语言不够精炼，实际表达的信息并不多。这不是个“挑战性”的问题，是个“有争议”的问题。”challenging issue”改为“controversial issue”

改写:However, whether teachers should be given more authority to make such decisions is a controversial issue.

原文：In my opinion, when designing the educational policy on curriculum, authorities should take the suggestions from teachers into account at the meantime.

“the educational policy on curriculum”太累赘了，好像没有这么用的。建议改成“educational policy or curriculum”或单用“curriculum”。

还有一个是用词似似而非的问题。Take suggestion通常是在有建议的情况下被动使用。问题和前文中并没有说老师们已经提出了不同意见, 所以这里最好用“征询”意见而不该用“采纳”意见。用词最好是主动的invite suggestions,而不是take suggestions。另外，仅仅suggestions可能方式太局限，不如用inputs。

At the meantime 在这里纯属画蛇添足。At the meantime不知是否地道，通常用 in the meantime。但是放在这里也还是不合适。meantime一般是指代个某事发生前的临时时段。使用In the meantime 要让读者理解你所指代的时间段的起止，而这里没有明确meantime的起止时间或事件，属用词不当。

改写：In my opinion, when designing curriculum, authorities should invite inputs from teachers.

原文：In the first place, curriculum designed by authorities should be given priority.

严格地说，“大纲“应当被“遵从”，只有“大纲内容“可以被”优先“。“given priority”用在这里和前面不太搭配。给你举个例子体会一下吧：curriculum content should be given priority。因为本文讨论的不是扩展内容，这里建议将“given priority”改为“adhered to“，“followed”或”respected”。以上三个词从最严格到最不严格排序，根据你比较骑墙的观点可能你会选最后一个。

改写：In the first place, curriculum designed by authorities should be respected.

原文：Before carrying out the educational policy, lots of research and investigations must have been done by official institutions.

还是用词不当问题。“Carry out“ 是 implementation/execution的意思，与后文不搭配。根据后文的论述，这里用的意思应该是教育政策的”制定“或”颁布“而非“执行“。所以应该把carry out替换为formulate或make或publish。

“The”应改为“an”， 这里应是泛指的政策。

还有一点，这个句子用词太口语化了，文风不够学术。“lots of“这个短语是比较口语化的，严肃的学术写作文体最好使用更正式的词语表达建议改为”extensive”。另外如果改写得狠一点，”Before publishing“,” “done”等处也可以使用更加学术化的表达。

改写：Prior to the publication of any educational policy, extensive research and investigations must have been conducted by official institutions.

原文：This means those educational plans widely satisfy the demand of student's intellectual development and employment in the future.

至少要加入”needs”，future位置可调。

改写：This means those educational plans widely satisfy the demand of student's intellectual development and future employment needs.

原文：Another advantage is that uniform curriculum made by official institutions can contribute to unify and regulate the unitive educational system，avoiding the irregular standards of native schooling.

加入“a”。unify 和 unitive 显得用词重复。“irregular“改为“inconsistent” ， “native” 要改为”national”。

改写：Another advantage is that a uniform curriculum made by official institutions can contribute to unify the educational system, avoiding the inconsistent school standards nationwide.

原文：However, almost governments concerns more about the requirements of student's development from the social view rather than the interests of the youths.

“Almost” 改为 “most”, “concerns”去掉s, “social view” 可改”expectations from the society”，其他可酌情修改。后文你正确使用的“cater to”不妨放这里使用。

改写：However, most governments concern more about the education outcomes meeting general expectations from the society rather than cater to the interests of the individual youths.

原文：It's hard to avoid that students lose enthusiasm on study toward some boring theoretical classes.

原文的表达不自然。有多种改法比如：“lost enthusiasm for school” 或 “lost interest on some classes”

改写：It’s hard to avoid that some students lost interests on some theory study classes.

原文：On the contrary, teacher's abundant teaching experiences can remedy the defect of the educational policy made by authorities.

说官员的政策有“defects”似乎又是用词不妥。你又不是反对党，也不是在写攻击政策的文章，用“Defect”这个词似乎太重了，不如用”deficiency” 。

“On the contrary“用在这里其实是不恰当的。想想教师的教学经验可以弥补官员教育政策的不足这个观点与什么观点是相对呢？难道是教学经验无用论？前边两句已经用过however 转折了，这里contrary 的对象指代不清。

改写：In this regard, the rich teaching experiences a frontline teacher has can supplement the deficiencies of the curriculum made by the authorities.

原文：Teachers spent their working hours with students together so that teachers understand the student's requirements better than official institutions.

Spent改spend，student’s 改 students’, 第二个“teacher”可以改”they”以避免重复， “institutions”要去掉。学生的需求一般用needs而不用requirements.

改写：Teachers spend longer hours with students, so that they understand students’ needs better than officials.

原文：Also, the subjects and course contents designed by teachers cater to the needs of student's interests better.

“the needs of studnets’ interests” 不是地道的英文,太拗口了。是去掉“the needs of”还是去掉“ interest”二选一吧。考虑上句用了 “needs”, 这句建议保留”interest”

改写：Also, the subjects and course contents designed by teachers cater to student’s interests better.

原文：In addition, it is necessary that let teachers participate in the process of designing the subjects and courses for students since the significant position of education the teachers play.

基本修改的话“that” 改 “to”. “position” 改 “roles”，”position”指代比较”role”更具体， 第二个“of” 改“in”, “the”改 “that”。前半句改得精炼点，后半句改得通顺点，自己体会吧。
改写：In addition, it is necessary to involve teachers in the curriculum development process, recognising the significant roles that teachers play in education.

原文：In conclusion, the subjects and course contents for children should be decided by authorities , such as the central government. However, we can not neglect the disadvantages that the authorities have. And teachers' participation can remedy the defect to some extent. In other words, during the process of drafting the educational policy on curriculum, authorities should take the suggestions from teachers into account .

整段来吧，不解释了。

改写：In conclusion, school curriculum should primarily be decided by the education department at national level. However, in light of the disadvantages such arrangements may have, authorities should value teachers’ participation through out the curriculum drafting process and allow for flexibilities in local teaching practice.

先说一下啊...我雅思7.5，写作三次7分。
我觉得这文章可以拿6-6.5。第一眼看不出来用了谁的模板，这点就够5.5了...
先说第一句，楼上说的很对，第一句完全没有亮点啊，大忌...
Intro写的ok，语法和用词可以但是不够准确。尤其在最后一句上太绕，跟你整篇风格不符。
第二段还可以，这样简洁明了的句子我也喜欢用在第二段第一句。
Conclusion写的太重复。换一种表达方式最好。
总体看下来词汇变化不够多，简单词太多。语法变换太少，要拿6.5-7分从句至少要占到一半我觉得。结构不错，干净整洁。在6.5这个尴尬的档次还是不要求支持谁或者中立了。链接词重点表扬，但是还是diversity这个问题，also/so that/however太重复。用点高级的词。
加油！

6.0左右, 小于6,0的可能性比较大. 有几点不足.
1. 开头你照抄了啊! 这是大忌! 严重影响分数的.
2. 你没有提出明确的观点, agree or disagree. 你要把自己的观点在第一段肯定的提出来, 到底是支持题目给出的哪种观点. 然后在后面两段进行论证. 因为这种题目一般要有一边倒的观点.
3. 当然不能把话说得太死. 你的思路是对的. 但要把你的想法(就是take the teacher's opinion)保留到最后, 留一定的余地. 这样做是对的.

当然 不可否认的是你的语法以及用词都很好. 另外连词也用的很好 如果能多用一些语法就更好了. 不过雅思大作文是议论文, 所以分数的高低主要取决于你对论点和论据的把握. 思路一定要清晰

tyturuytu