求高手批改雅思作文，拜谢了！

creative in their spare time .pleasure such as watching tv 在英语本族语中很少使用
curriculums 拼写错误
effective and prompt measures.energetic and creative after school. alike...teacher语法不规范，请确认
better than在做“优于”讲时，是普通词组，建议替换为superior to
建议你到新东方批改网上改改，都是外教改的
除了批改打分，还有范文什么的，老师也很尽心，由于是我第一篇批改的作文，于是分数很低（正常），经过老师批改后发现了自己的问题。于是第二次提交的细批大作文，分数有所上升（感谢）！第三次，提交的是细批小作文，估计是我小作文毛病比较突出，外教批改出结果惨不忍堵（果然我三次雅思经历5.5是必然的必然的呀！！），现在准备研究小作文去
新东方批改网作文“七步”评分流程
1 明确批改级别
2 查看作文题目
3 通览作文冰雨反馈区做简单评语
4 逐行批改作文，指出并修改错误，同时表明错误类型
5 对作文的逻辑结构，论据相关性，行文连贯性等问题在评论区进行评论
6 给出作文在以下四项评分指标方面的分值：
Response to the prompt
切题
Organization
文章结构
Development and Details
内容展开及逻辑性
Grammar
语法准确性
7 换算成相应考试的作文评分

It is undeniable that hardly many children take part in doing creative activities in their spare time. Instead, they prefer to sit in front of a box - watching TV. In my opinion, there are two main reasons that should be attributed to this—— the immaturity of children, and moreover the heavy burdens stemming from schools respectively. Accordingly, schools as well as parents can serve as remedy for this.
To begin with, it is manifest that children are, by nature, relatively immature physically, mentally as well as psychologically. As a result, most times they can scarcely motivate themselves to do something creative consciously. Rather, more often than not they would choose to relax their bodies and ease their minds by doing something easy and pleasurable such as watching TV.
Even more disturbing, though, is that in order to achieve sound scores in numerous examinations, children have no choice but to be confronted with the overload of various curriculums and works posed by schools and teachers. Provided that children are generally immature, they need more freedom as well as flexibility to relax their bodies and ease their minds. Consequently, children would rather to watch TV than participating in doing something creative.
Schools and parents should be able to play crucial roles in solving this problem. For schools and teachers alike, they should give priority to relieving burdens shouldered by children, for the purpose of guaranteeing that children maintain energetic and active after school. Furthermore, if only they could afford children different kinds of stimulating extra-curricular activities, therefore children would be far more likely to participate in creative activities and achieve physical, mental and psychological wellbeing. Additionally, now that many children devote themselves to watching TV in their free time, parents can do nothing better than encouraging their children to find something creative and advantageous from TV programs, especially what is favorable for the children’s study.
To conclude, the immaturity of children together with heavy burdens stems from schools and teachers is responsible for children’s preference of watching TV over doing creative things. I personally believe that schools and parents can function as solutions to this problem.

A very good essay, I made some changes in which I think can be better. This is not professional advice, only some suggestions by a high school British student XD