请帮我看看这段英文自我介绍

基本都改过了, 原文很多中式英语...面试一定不行的....

good morning/afternoon, sir/madam.(要正式些)
thank you for giving me this chance to introduce myself.(这句要放前面)
my name is xxx,21 years old.
I graduated from xxx, majored in E-commerce. (名字和院校要提一下)
Althought I just graduated, I have a lot of working experiences when i was still in college.
those experiences I got are mainly related to sales(你原来那句老外听不懂的). and that's is one of the reasons I have chosen this Job.
I have to say that I don't have enough knowledges about this field, but i'm a hardworker and willing to take challenges (原来那句是典型的中式英语).
and which is more important for the job is that I can manage to work under pressure and i know how to work as a team.
that's all for my introduction, you can find more information about me in my resume or of course you can ask me questions.

thank you for your time and attetion.

Hello
May I take the opportunity to introduce myself?My name is ...
I’m 21 years old ,
My major is E-commerce.
Althought I a fresh graduate,
I have a lot of working experience in my college.
Most of the work i took was to be sales .
This is the reason why I choose this job.
Although I do not quite understand this area,
I can handle things with great care and passion.
More importantly, I can manage it under pressure and I am always kind to others.
Your kind consideration is appreciated
That’s all.
Finally, thank you for giving me this interview opportunities.

我已经帮你修改了下，你看看。

你好
Hello, (个人感觉用Good afternoon或Good morning比较好点~)

很高兴能自我介绍
I am glad to introduce myself.

我21岁,我的专业是电子商务
I'm 21 years old and my speciality is E-commerce.

虽然我刚毕业,但我已经有许多工作经验,并且之前的工作几乎都关于销售
Althought I graduated just now, I've a lot of experience already and the jobs before were almost about selling.

这就是我为什么选择这个职业
This is the reason why I chose this Jobs

虽然现在我对它的知识有限(个人不建议用LZ的原句,感觉自揭短处了,还是说的保守一点的好吧)但我工作很努力、认真
Now I am limited to it but I work very hard and earnest.

最重要的是，在任何逆境中我仍能努力工作
The best one is that I can still do my best in any adverse circumstances.

我很随和，我希望能和这的人做朋友
And I am very amiable, I hope I can make friends with all of people here.

谢谢（个人感觉不需要重复第一句话）
Thank you.

而且你的自我介绍是口语，不需要那么书面化，不要把句子拉的太长，不然感觉有点拖泥带水，说话不是写作文，不需要太讲究的。

Helle
I am pleased to introduce myself..
I’m 21 years old .
My college major was E-commerce.
Althought I a fresh graduates.
But I have a lot of working experience in my college.
Most of the work undertaken by the sales
This is the reason I have chosen for this Jobs
Although I know really a little about this industry
But I handle things with great care and passion.
What's more, I can work under pressure and I am always kind to others.
Your kind consideration is appreciated
That’s all.
Finally, thank you for giving me the opportunity to attend this interview.

完全人工改的哦..

thank you for give me this interview opportunities
opportunity不用加复数吧