托福综合写作批改

1. Both reading and listening cope with the topic about if Phoenicians had ever been sent to sail around the Africa.改成如下：

   Both reading and listening cope with the topic about whether Phoenicians were sent to sail around the Africa.

   其一，有多种情况从句不能用if引导，如主语从句，表语从句，介词后的宾语从句，很不幸你这里就遇到了，以后要写选择性从句的话引导词全用whether绝对安全。

   其二，ever的存在颇有画蛇添足之感，且此处并未提到过去的过去，且该材料所提及的是历史事件，还是用一般过去时最好。

2. 改成The reading passage obviously states that Phoenicians were not sent to there.

   理由同上。

3. In the lecture, however, the professor contrast that Phoenicians had sailed around the African and casts doubt on the reading passage with several perspectives.改成

   In the lecture, however, the professor casts doubt on the reading passage with several perspectives.

   首先contrast无动词用法，想必楼主想表达“反驳”之意，用insist这样的引出观点词即可。其次只需表达出听力观点反驳阅读观点这层意思即可，contrast that Phoenicians had sailed around the African这句话有画蛇添足雷同之感，因为正常人看了后半句自然就能知道这层意思，多此一举写出这句反而容易因为词句重复而失分（句词多样性也是一大抠分点）

4. The first contradicting fact the professor reasons is that Phoenicians sailed around the Africa, because even though the vessels were simple at that time, but some
   scientists copied their vessels and arrived Africa.  改成：

   The first contradicting fact the professor reasons is that even though the vessels were simple at that time, some scientists copied them and arrived Africa.

   其一，sailed around the African又赘余了一次，大忌。

   其二，关联词也不能赘用，中文里嚼着“尽管但是”，英文不好这口，说了“尽管”就不能说“但是”，反之同理，even though和but不可兼得，只能取其一。

5. simple technology could hardly afford to sail so far 最好改成

   those vessels with simple technology could hardly afford to sail so far

   毕竟能 sail 的是 vessel 而不是 technology

6. the empire then were not alike other empires in Africa who did not enjoy water trading, he loves it.  改成：

   most emperors in Africa may not enjoy water trading while the one at that time was very interested in sailing.

   错误：empire帝国emperor帝王。同一名词在同一句中不可重复出现，若第二次用则须用one替代。两个独立句子不能直接逗号相连，可用从句可用连词也可用副词加分号。alike也不能这么用，要用也该用like，alike不是介词，后面不再接宾语。

   当表达对比之意时建议用while从句，楼主的写法不是不可，只是看起来有些违和。

   另外谓语本该单数楼主却用were不知是不是托福潜规则。

7. This directly contrasts the point in the reading passage that empire have no reason to hire sailors. 改成

   This argument directly objects to the point in the reading passage that emperors didn't hire sailors because they were not keen on sailing.

   this单独做主语毕竟不妥，考虑到反对的对象是argument，就在其后加上该词。contrast无动词形式，换成object to较好。且该论点旨在强调埃及帝王对航海没兴趣，“不雇佣工人”只是细枝末节，故建议改成上述形式——不雇人是因为不喜欢航海。

8. 第三个论点陈述听力观点时最好突出重点是“这个故事是真实的”。

此外就没什么明显的语法错误了，但在表述上可能仍需要更正式一点，尽可能符合老外的思维习惯还有托福的评分标准，避免中式英语。以上大概可以看出楼主的模板，如果习惯了这样的模板就这样写无可厚非。要是本人来写的话本人会这样写：

The reading material advocates the ideathat emperors in Egypt did not hire Phoenicians to sail around Africa byoffering three reasons. On the contrary, the lecture entirely opposes thepassage's idea and uses three specific points to support his opinion.

Firstly, the writer proposes that vessels in Egypt were not advanced enough to sail so far. However, the speaker presentsa conflicting statement. He argues that though these Egyptian vessels were simple, some scientists improved them a lot so that they achieved the ability to reach Africa.

Secondly, the author illustrates that emperors in Egypt had no interest in sailing. Quite the opposite, the professor casts doubt on the reading material by asserting that there existed one emperor that was different from others. In other words, he was keen on water trading so he might send some Phoenicians to explore new trading patterns.

Thirdly, the reading passage puts forward that this idea may just be a story rather than history, whereas this explanation is indefensible based on the listening material. The speaker points out that there are lots of evidence such as date and weather that could support the idea. The details above indicate that it cannot be a story which is made up by some people.

当然，以上只是本人的一孔之见，给出的模板不一定要照搬或者必须这么写，楼主若是觉得有用可以学习借鉴下即可。祝楼主考试顺利